“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
PSALM 43:5
A week like this one should not be recorded, but for some reason I want to remember my misery for the sake of joy and hope.
As aforementioned, I have had a tough week. Mainly revolving around the costumed beast that is college academics. There is no other way to put it but as to say that I have fallen to a very deep end. So deep that my vision is still trying to customize to this bright and beautiful world that I have been hiding from all this time. It was all because of my fear of failure.
Now I can already here those that exclaim, “We all have fears!”. In which I would respond, “not all are alike.” For some reason the pressures of Barclay scholarship hit me like a ton of bricks. Compared to fairly sensible semesters last year, I underestimated the ruthless potency that 3 Psychology classes and 3 Bible/Theology can do to a kid. But it did and I barely survived.
One thing that you might not want to know-but if you stick around long enough you’ll see=is that one of my preferred defense mechanisms is to completely shutdown when overwhelmed. And that’s what I did! After coming to grips with the “perceived reality” that the goals that I have set myself in my studies were not going to come to pass, I let myself go. Yes, and what that “whatever” attitude meant was: not caring what I wear, ignoring polite interaction with others, unrealistic amounts of time alone-especially in my dorm sanctuary- pity smiles and a TON of ice cream. This never works for recovery, but buddy does it hit the spot (especially ice cream).
So after greasy hair, multiple stomach aches, and an awkward beard growing, I had enough and went to the school shrink. I’m kidding, this person is a Helper, and a good one at that! At the end of our conversation, we came to the realization that the fear that I had about not reaching that goal and other things in my life, I let all that negative thinking of how I cannot make it to my intended end, lead me into this despair that was harming me and not helping.
With that knowledge that I kinda already knew but did not want to confess, I took it to the one place that I know that I can be renewed, restored into the hope that I have in Christ Jesus, “my Savior and my God.”
Yes, I was downcast, discouraged, despaired, and agitated.
Yes, I was disturbed, sad, in turmoil, disquieted, perplexed, restless, and troubled.
Yes, all that can happen to us in this broken world can be a what the reality that has us in this condition, but its not the end of the story. For the story continues. It is not over. There is something that has not yet been done. Thus, the Psalmist asks the most insensitive question of “why?”. Don’t you see that I am hurting?! Can’t you notice the calamity that I am in?! What does asking “why” even matter at this point!
It does, because the story keeps on going. He (the Psalmist) reminds us of the hope that we have completely forgotten about. That hope that we rely on to do all things. That hope that can lead us through the darkest, deadliest of valleys. That hope that has come from above to come down below to meet us, heal us and save us. Christ Jesus the hope of glory.
So when it came time for me to give this “fear” to God, he spoke loud and clear and with authority and with sheer confidence to tell me, “why am I downcast and disturbed? Don’t you know that I AM the hope that you are missing?” Yes, you are.
So, “bless the Lord oh my soul… worship his holy name.” That’s it. Let my praises continue, for the story is not done yet. I will praise his holy name and I will press on and I will know, in craziness and stillness that You, Abba Father, are my Savior and my God.”
Amen,
Johanan
David J. Jaimes 